top of page
Screen Shot 2019-12-06 at 16.05.56.png

Eight Things of Stuff

"Updated Periodically"

  • Writer's pictureE.Z. Rinsky

1) Cereal aisle too long

2) Campus not diverse enough

3) Frankly, threesome kind of awkward

4) Can still hear beggar through noise-canceling headphones

5) Delivery guy can't find our building

6) Having difficulty defining what precisely constitutes 'genocide'

7) Steam room too steamy

8) Seasonal affective disorder

  • Writer's pictureE.Z. Rinsky

1) Utter contempt for all authority figures.

2) Difficulty processing information that's not arranged in lists of exactly eight.

3) Steel spike protruding from skull has historically been distracting to coworkers.

4) Sometimes we just care too much, you know? Also, we have lice.

5) Find we have trouble working for more than five consecutive minutes without masturbating.

6) Occasional difficulty recognizing other humans as sentient beings that can feel pain.

7) Technically, we're not really allowed to work anywhere that's not in prison.

8) Extreme disinterest in anything not directly related to ourselves.

  • Writer's pictureE.Z. Rinsky

After six years in the joint, we're back. Expect lists, plus some longer shit. But we'll never compromise on our principles:

1) Absolutely no horseplay, even if horse is into it.

2) The will to succeed means nothing if you suck.

3) No self-referencing, meta-irony, or Oxford commas.

4) You don’t miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

5) The only units of success are: dollars, votes, word-count, and tombstone size.

6) If erection lasts longer than four hours, stop writing immediately.

7) Dance as you'd like to be treated, treat others like nobody's watching

8) Seven is too few, nine is too many.

See you periodically,

- mgmt


Never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity. Sign up for our periodic newsletter:

Thanks! Now get out of bed and eat something.

bottom of page