Even the simplest interpersonal tasks can prove treacherous for those who lack the ability to empathize. Here are some simple tips and tricks to help navigate the daily minefield of human interaction.
Around the office:
1) Imaginary weekly therapy sessions are a great way to feign a desire for introspection. Subtly mentioning to a colleague that you are seeing a therapist will allow you to deflect all future personal attacks by appearing hurt*, nodding, and admitting that you're "working on that."
2) *Appear hurt by forming an upside-down 'V' with your eyebrows and frowning with just one side of your mouth. Upside down palms also add to the veneer of despondency.
3) Though telling jokes is an efficient method of earning enough trust that a rival may someday make the mistake of confiding in you, it is often hard to gauge their work-appropriateness. This difficulty is only exacerbated when you are incapable of viewing others as anything but crude automatons, inconvenient stepping stones on your path to success. The most effective way of determining whether a joke will be an aid or hindrance along this path is to simply tell the joke to your supervisor, prefacing it by mentioning that you heard this joke from your colleague, and were just curious whether or not it violated your office code of conduct. Have the office code of conduct handy to elucidate specific violations the joke may impinge on.
4) If you view women merely as ephemeral opportunities to boost your social standing, and any given night's activity is the result of an approximate cost/benefit calculation weighing expected social gain against monetary losses, you will enjoy Tinder.
5) You may find that women are often attracted to you on dates, your callous disregard for them inadvertently affecting an air of 'hard to get'. Most women, however, will react cautiously to your sudden and frank suggestion that she “give you what you deserve". Instead, when you sense that enough conversation and alcohol consumption have transpired that coitus would--in her mind--not represent a compromise of the principles she believes she possesses, lull her into a sense of security by masquerading as sheepish. Tap your fingers idly on the table, avoid her gaze, smirk, shrug, scratch your neck self-consciously, chuckle disbelievingly to yourself and then--acting as if it's difficult for you to admit--say that you're really enjoying yourself.
6) If you don't have any condoms at home, don't use one.
7) In a misguided attempt at self preservation and genetic immortality, you may end up fathering children. Mitigate the loathing you may feel observing your writhing, helpless spawn by considering the leverage this apparently selfless act may give you during salary negotiations.
8) Embrace the idea of your child as an extension of yourself. Anything they accomplish can be interpreted as a tribute to your parenting. Start them on piano lessons at age four. Teach them yourself to save money. If you don't know how to play piano, guess. If you ever discover that your child has been mutilating small mammals or lying pathologically, punish them harshly–Getting caught demonstrates weakness.
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