8 Valentines Day Cards Written by Robots

1) "My heart rate elevates slightly when I sense your presence"

2) "Even when we are not in literal proximity, we are in figurative proximity"

3) "Initiate coitus.exe"

4) "Let’s convert our random access memories to solid-state storage."

5) "Saving my dongle for only your USB port."

6) "Be in my possession."

7) "Our individual organs are like shared organs"

8) "I want to non-critically wound you out of overwhelming arousal."

Guest post submitted by Joe Gelman. Want to submit your own list? Your first test is figuring out how to get in touch.

How to prepare for Corona outbreak:

1) Buy enough bottled water for one final bubble bath.

2) Familiarize yourself with Corona symptoms, never sleep again.

3) Hoard condoms and Clif bars—these will be post-apocalyptic currency.

4) Prepare Corona jokes to lighten the mood in bunker

5) Practice putting yourself, others, out of their misery.

6) Sell valuable appliances; you can replace them during the looting.

7) Comb religious texts for allusions to virus and try to get a book deal out of it.

8) Before causing mass hysteria, confirm you haven’t eaten beets recently.

How ethical are you?

1) A grocery store clerk gives you too much change. How long do you deliberate before rushing out?

2) Would you tell a white lie to your partner if it was the only way to get him to put out?

3) Do you think that under certain circumstances, euthanasia could be fun?

4) Is it okay to steal work supplies, repackage them, and sell them wholesale to Staples?

5) On a trans-Atlantic flight to France, the elderly passenger next to you has a heart attack and nobody notices but you. If you notify the flight attendants, the plane will have to land in desolate Iceland. Does it matter how old the passenger is?

6) Your partner leaves her email account open on your shared computer. She’s just asking for it, right?

7) Your boss is an ethnic and sexual minority, but you strongly disagree with his office policies. Can you slander him, as long as you are careful to specify that it’s not his race or lifestyle choices that you take issue with?

8) If you knew you would never get caught, and nobody would get hurt, would you lose all self control?